Unfortunately, the most difficult karma comes to us through relationship, through pain, and hard lessons. Someone can go through this tortures with grace, taking this hard experience as a gift from life and moving to the next level of love. However, some of us prefer to hate the ones who has done a mental harm to us.
"All happy families have the same "happiness", but all unhappy ones have different reasons for this unhappiness."
During my work with different families and couples I came to the following conclusions, which I want to share with you. It might be helpful also for you.
1. Remember your exes. Think of them in a positive way - remember how kind they were. Maybe now it sounds weird, but just some time ago you loved them for some reasons. They were the reason of your life, the love of your life, the only ones for you. Living together with them gave you an incredible experience in life. Appreciate that, remember that and be thankful. If you have a kids from previous marriage/relationship, look at your ex-partner with a thought that he/she gave you the best thing in this life - your child. Only respect to your past can build a better future for you. You were together for a long time, you were together on your life path. Without him/her you would not be yourself. Exactly this person gave you such significant experience of life. Using this person the Universe (cosmos) was “polishing” you, checking you. Probably, at some point, your ex just did not manage this test of Universe. Now he/she is in the hands of his/her fate. Do not close your soul and heart for them!
2. Be responsible for what happened to you. Do not blame your ex. In every scandal both are to blame. Admit to yourself your part of fault. Think about the things that could have saved your relationship, what was done right and what was a mistake. Blaming others will not give you anything. You cannot change people. Luckily, there is an option for you. You can work on your bugs, analyse and you will get the chance for personal growth.
3. Remember that you are whom you surround yourself with. The information, thoughts, fears which you hide deeply inside, attract appropriate people to your life. If you are a victim – you are attractive for aggressive people. If you are angry at the whole world – your surrounding will show you anger. If you are not confident in yourself – people around you will underline your weakness. If you consider that this life is ideal – your partner will destroy all the illusions you made for yourself. There is only one escape – work with yourself, with your internal conflicts so your surrounding will not have to reflect it.
4. Realize that a person opposite you is only a puppet in the God’s hands. Basically, this person is playing a special role for you, the role, which you want, the role which you gave to him in your consciousness (the role can be seen in your horoscope). You are changing your partners without changing your mind so the problems do not decrease, controversially, they can even increase. Little by little, the person which seemed so sweet at first, becomes completely opposite to your expectations of “ideal”. Actually, there is nothing surprizing – how your partner can be better if you haven’t done anything with yourself? According to my experience, if second, third, fourth marriage is successful – the only reason for this is your patience to your partner, your ability to live together in a “peace”, your ability to forgive and give in.
5. All issues in relationship occurs because of the mistakes during communication with each other. Learn to speak with each other on time about things that are important to you. Silence and offenses only pushes you further from each other. Insult deforms reality. It is impossible to find a solution when you are offended. The thing is that no one is guilty and no one is right. Everyone believes in things that family system taught us to believe. Each of us is limited in something. We can’t even change ourselves, then what do we want from others, from life in general? The person who is judging everyone is doomed to loneliness.
6. You have to feel all your mental pain after break up. Go “inside” this pain and “drink” it all. Be sad, be mad and give yourself a time to go through this process. Free yourself for something new but do not start new relations very fast. It is common to run from pain, to be scared of pain in our society. We are afraid to be alone with ourselves. Usually, anger and even hate replace pain. If this happens, anger and hate stays in our souls for a long time, poisoning our new relationship with an old mistakes from our past. The scariest thing is to curse a person. This curse connects you and the cursed person but as a result – both of you are suffering. Ask God to take away the hate from your heart forever. Try to see the God’s great plan for your life. Do not ask for advice and help from astrologer, extrasensory individual and magician. Do not transfer your fate and your partner’s fate to another’s hand just because you do not want to take all responsibility for this. Your future is in your hands only. Your today’s work on yourself creates your possible future. Feel your heart and make the right choice with love and compassion. Focus on this: “How can I go through the process causing as less as possible pain to my (ex)partner?”
7. Accept everything that happens to you with humility. Accept it with a thought, that there is no way to escape it. Being offended and sad means giving the chance to fate to govern your life. Objection will only aggravate the situation. Try to figure out what you can do, what you can change and what is fatal. Begin the transformation of your life with yourself using the help of psychologists, seminars. Unnecessary anxiety and attempts to influence your partner will lead to the loss of strengths and energy for both of you. Every occasion has its beginning and its end (we are going through different planetary periods). Be patient and go through life tests with dignity. “God, please give me the calmness to accept the things I can’t change. Please give me the strengths to change the things that I can change. Please give me wisdom to differentiate one from another.”
8. Do not look for a recovery from emptiness in heart, sadness in another person. Do not wait that someone will suddenly save you, love you and show how incredible you are. Be the light for yourself. Find a support inside yourself, not in the others. Do not turn to a beggar who is asking for a help and love. Taking this position of beggar is dangerous as you can be involved in manipulating relationship where your partner will be using you.
9. If you are going off to another partner – be honest with previous one. Do not try to devaluate years spent together, do not try to derogate the advantages of your ex. Do not blame only him/her! This is meaningless and unworthy position for you. In reality, you know that you are leaving because of your own wish to try something new, not because your ex is inappropriate for you. So why are you devaluating and offending your previous partner? The parting becomes unreal and lasts for many years if there are hidden issues and offenses. Of course, when you offense your ex in your own eyes, in your mind, it is easier to end relationship. This is clear – no one is leaving good people… But conscience inside tortures you. Dishonest and wrong end of relationships may affect your next relations and result in disappointment. Humiliating your ex-partner in the eyes of your family, friends, colleagues you are showing yourself from the darker side. There is a risk to get in the similar situation in future – someone will do with you exactly the same - lie about you and make you guilty without really being guilty.
10. Do not tell your new partner about your intimate details from previous relations! Do not disclose other’s secrets and do not let anyone treat your previous love (relations) disrespectfully. If you will do it on the conversely, the consequences will be destructive for your next relationships. Every person, who comes in your family system first, has a much more value comparing with the next ones. In every single next relationships your affection is getting weaker and weaker. If your second wife or husband will realize that they are second ones, who came later – the new relationship will be better. You and only you give permission to offense your past, and only you are suffering from it. Try to leave past in the past.
11. The best thing that you can do during and after parting is to give value to your previous life, to say “thank you for all the happiness I felt because of you”. Take your part of guilt, because you are not a saint. Wish and dream that life will be good for both of you. Wish a lot of happiness, kindness and love. It is terrible when your ex-partner can’t arrange his/her personal life. The guilt will disturb your happiness in new relationship. So wish him/her with all your heart to meet a worthy person and to be finally happy. This will calm and set free your soul. The peace and quiet will stay in your heart.
12. Do not hurry to end relationships, especially if you have children. You are creating families not for the pleasure, but for the mutual support in life and for parenting. The relationships at a distance may seem much better than living together. Passion, desire, affection quickly disappears, real love should be deserved. We are searching for the better solution all the time – but does it exists? Any choice can cause a pain for someone. What’s the decision? Do not hurry up. Start with yourself, understand yourself instead of destroying something into pieces.
Alyona Zaporozcenko,
family and systemic consultant, Vedic astrologist, yoga therapist
